


but you go toe to toe

by sunsetcurbed



Series: when you believe [3]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV 2020)
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:02:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29584167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetcurbed/pseuds/sunsetcurbed
Summary: “Hey, do you wanna head out?”Alex frowns and flicks his eyes up again, then back to Willie. “I… I’m—I…”“Are you having an attack?”Alex doesn’t answer. His breathing is uneven at this point and Willie knows even without Alex’s answer that, yes, he absolutely is having an attack. Great. Fucking great. This is exactly what Willie wants for Alex today. (No it’s not.)(*)(or: Alex has a panic attack. Willie helps him through.)Part 2 ofyou showed my faith is not blind (miracles happen)but can be read as a stand alone.
Relationships: Alex Mercer/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Series: when you believe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2113680
Comments: 26
Kudos: 98





	but you go toe to toe

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this was supposed to be posted on Tuesday, but I’m in a depressive episode and today is a Good Day™ and Tuesday might be a Bad Day™ so I’m taking advantage of this and just posting it now so I don’t end up not posting it by the date it was promised. 
> 
> **IF YOU'RE READING THIS AS A STAND ALONE,** here are a few spoilers, but the key points you need to know to understand what's going on: Alex found out he was a prince of a small country called Beasiga à la Mia Thermopolis. He started taking prince lessons but definitely wasn't gonna be prince. He has pretty severe social anxiety but he's been working on it both personally and with friends and in therapy. Willie and Alex got together and Alex came out to the world. But most importantly: he decided to become Prince of Beasiga.   
> And that's what you missed on Glee! 
> 
> This one was requested by a few people and I loved the idea. We see a lot of Willie helping Alex with his anxiety in Miracles Happen but we never actually see him helping him through an attack, which is an interesting dynamic. 
> 
> Note: Alex’s anxiety (in this one shot, the main fic, and all other fics that mention his anxiety moving forward) is based off of my experience with anxiety, and some stuff from either my friends’ experiences or, very rarely, something pulled from the internet. I wanted to add this note in because anxiety is NOT one size fits all. If you know someone with anxiety, make sure you know what THEIR needs are, don’t go based off of things you read in this fic. One of my friends comes out of panic attacks faster when someone holds her hand or hugs her, meanwhile I fall further into panic. Another friend carries around noise cancelling headphones because noise makes her panic worse. It’s all different for every person. Willie has been helping Alex with panic attacks for nearly two and a half years by this point in this ‘verse and he knows what helps and what doesn’t help, so their communication isn’t as straightforward as one might expect it to be, especially at some parts when he makes decisions without Alex okay-ing them—however, they’ve discussed these things before hand when Alex was in a healthy mental state and Willie knows it will help Alex. 
> 
> Also note: I use the terms “panic attack” and “anxiety attack” both, though anxiety attack is just mentioned. For those who don’t know the difference, an anxiety attack is a mild/severe bout of anxiety that develops more slowly and can have symptoms similar to panic attacks like elevated heart rate, tremors, hyperventilating, etc etc, but don’t get as severe. Often times they can be helped by removing the trigger. Panic attacks come on very suddenly and are very intense and give you the feeling as if you’re dying. Once you’re in them, they pretty much have to run their course; they can’t be stopped even if the trigger (if there even is one, sometimes there isn’t) is removed. However, there are ways to ease through them, as mentioned above and as you’ll see in this fic. (Also, while they come on quickly, you can use coping mechanisms to stop them before they start if you know what you’re doing/if it’s not far enough along.) 
> 
> Fic title from Wake Up by Madison Reyes? Julie Molina? Julie and the Phantoms?

"So… why was dream-you running for President of the United States if you were King of Beasiga?"

"That's a _great_ question. And one I don't have an answer for."

"Maybe you should—"

"I'm not running for President."

"Worth a shot," Willie grins, squeezing Alex's hand. They're wandering through the Arts District aimlessly. It's early April on a nice day so enough people are out, but the streets aren't overly packed like they might be in June or July. They came here on a whim after Alex appeared on his doorstep once he biked over to Willie's house because of a fight with his parents.

Now that Alex had chosen to be Prince, later King, of Beasiga, his parents had been using that as an excuse to push him about things in his life they thought wouldn't fit into life as King. The two biggest topics were the band ("it's taking so much time away from school and your work for Beasiga!") and Willie ("you do realize you have to produce an heir, right?"). Alex practically had a count down to the summer for when he was flying to Beasiga to spend it with Louisa. Of course Alex wasn't looking forward to leaving the band or his siblings behind, or leaving Willie behind for six weeks (as Willie would be joining him for four of the ten), but Willie could tell he couldn't leave his parents quick enough. Honestly, he can't blame him.

"I had a weird dream last night too," Willie hums. "My tooth kept falling out. The fake one?" He runs his tongue over his tooth just to make sure it's still there because like, what a fucking dream. "I had to keep putting it back in and then my dentists kept sending replacements? Oh, and Billie Eilish came out with a new album about zoos, but apparently zoos weren't around until the 1980s, which I'm pretty sure is wrong, and apparently she was born in the 1980s, which I'm also pretty sure is wrong."

Alex blinks. "Wh—I don't—o… kay. How are those things related?"

"I'm not sure. But they were in the dream. I think I was watching her shoot the video about the elephants and I think she was like, legit floating over the enclosure? Like she wasn't attached to a harness, she was actually floating. But my tooth fell out again so I had to leave."

Alex tugs his hand and pulls him to a stop. Willie looks at him. "Which tooth is it again?"

"This one," Willie says, and then pokes at it with his tongue.

"The one you broke not even during a skateboarding accident but a _dance_ accident."

"Uh-huh," he nods. "Fell right on my face."

"That's incredible," Alex laughs, "that you can do something as dangerous as skateboarding and be fine but _dance_ —" He cuts off and looks at something over Willie's shoulder. Willie frowns at the abrupt stop but—"Is… is that guy taking pictures of us?"

Willie looks at Alex and frowns, then turns to follow his eyes to where there's a man standing across the street, camera pointed directly at them. What the fuck? _Who_ the fuck? Because like—"I… think so." He looks back to Alex. "Is this the first time someone's taken pictures of you while you're out?"

"As… as far as I know," Alex murmurs, shifting his hand in Willie's until their fingers are twined together. He squeezes and Willie immediately squeezes back.

"Hey," Willie says, turning his body to face Alex, blocking him from the photographer, though Alex is still a couple inches taller than Willie and is looking straight at him, so it's probably not overly effective. He turns back to look at the man and scowls. Fucker. He returns to Alex and grabs his other hand. "Alex," Willie says. Alex's eyes snap away from the man behind Willie and to Willie's face. "Hey, do you wanna head out?"

Alex frowns and flicks his eyes up again, then back to Willie. "I… I'm—I…"

"Are you having an attack?"

Alex doesn't answer, just flicks his eyes back and forth between Willie and where the man must still be standing behind him. His breathing is uneven at this point and Willie knows even without Alex's answer that, yes, he absolutely is having an attack. Great. Fucking _great_. This is exactly what Willie wants for Alex today. (No it's not.)

" _Shit_ ," Willie says, looking around. Alex's eyes slide back to Willie's face but they're entirely unfocused—he doesn't look like he's taking in anything around him at this point. "Shit, shit, shit," Willie huffs. Part of handling a panic attack is remaining calm, but there's always a part of Willie that gets worked up and scared because this is _Alex_ , okay? Can you fucking blame him? Really? Alex's breathing gets heavier and Willie figures that they don't have time to get anywhere else. So, he tells Alex that he's going to grab him and then wraps an arm around Alex's waist to guide him over to the wall of the building they're standing in front of and urges him to sit down. Once he's sat and leaning against the wall, Willie crouches down and curls a hand around his jaw and takes one of Alex's hands in his, squeezing. "Hey, Alex, are you with me?" No response. "Okay," Willie breathes, just on this side of nervous. He takes his hands off of Alex—he doesn't know where his mind is and he's not going to risk making this harder on Alex than it already is.

Alex curls in on himself involuntarily and Willie bites his lip, dropping from a crouch to his knees. God, he's been through this so many fucking times and every time he just wants to make it stop in its tracks, even knowing that he can't. He just wants to make Alex better, even knowing that he fucking _can't_. "Hey, Alex, you're fine," he murmurs over the noise behind him. There are people passing by having conversations with one another, talking on the phone, cars passing in the street, people pardoning themselves as they dodge past others and—

He can't make Alex better, but he can _help_. Willie pulls his AirPods out of his pocket and slips them from the case. He plugs one into Alex's ear, frowning when Alex flinches. Still, he knows this will help in the long run, so he reaches and puts the other in his other ear, letting out a soft "sorry, sorry," when Alex pauses in his trembling to flinch again.

He looks around, trying to see if the man is still lingering, but Willie can't spot him anywhere. Well… that's one fucking positive. At least the pictures that get posted later won't be of Alex having a panic attack. Unless he's just being smart about it and hiding now, which like—really? he couldn't have done before? Like, ideally he wouldn't be taking pictures of Alex at all but like, out in the open? For Alex to see him taking pictures of him? Is that guy fucking kidding him?

He turns back to Alex and watches as he shakes, watches as he gasps, watches as he clenches his fists around the air. Fuck, fuck, fuck—Willie's breath hitches. God damnit, he thinks, he can't help Alex if he's worked up himself. But, god, he hates this, he fucking hates this, he fucking can't stand this, this fucking—Willie steadies his own breathing and tries to remember that even though Alex isn't okay right now, he will be soon. It works for a minute except then he can feel someone hovering behind them. Here we fucking go. He turns around. There are two girls watching Alex with wide eyes. When they notice Willie looking at them, they frown. "Do you need us to call someone?" one of them asks.

"No," Willie says with a firm shake of his head, and his voice comes out raspy and thick. "He'll be fine, you two can go."

"Are you sure?" the other says with concern.

"Yeah, staring at him definitely isn't helping," he says. Less rasp this time, still thick. But the tone is more important. He tries to keep his voice kind and educational, people are more receptive to that he's learned, but he thinks it comes out more hostile. But, like, really? Who the fuck just watches someone hyperventilate? You're in the fucking Arts District and _that's_ your idea of fun? Fucking really? For a good time call 1-800-PANIC-ATTACK.

He sighs. Closes his eyes. Runs his fingers through his hair. Breathes. Opens his eyes. Most people have good intentions, like offering to call someone or offering their assistance, but there are others who just want to stare. Then there are those, like these two, who seem to be toeing the line between the two. The ones who really seem to want to stare, but feel like they have to pay a price to do so, and that price is offering their assistance. Still, though, these two are showing genuine concern, so. "Sorry, sorry, just. He's fine, I've got it handled, thank you for your concern."

The girls look at each other and frown again before walking away, but as they go, they keep looking back. This, of course, draws _more_ attention to Willie and Alex because everyone wants to know what they're looking at and—fuck it all. Fuck it all, really.

Willie glances to the side where there's a potted plant and drags it closer, blocking one side of Alex from view. He looks around for something else to block off Alex's other side with, and decides to just grab a chair from one of the tables sitting out near the street. He looks at Alex, assesses if he can leave for a few seconds, decides that Alex won't notice his absence, and then runs over to grab a chair and comes back. He nearly topples three people in his hurry, but he calls out apologies and doesn't _actually_ topple them, so like. No harm done.

Satisfied with the set up around Alex, he crouches back down and tries talking to him again. "Hey, Alex," he says. "You with me yet?" Alex doesn't answer, and he's still gasping and shaking, so Willie takes that as a no. God, why isn't he coming down yet, shouldn't he be coming down? Willie doesn't know how much time has passed but it feels like Alex should be coming down by now. But Alex _isn't_ coming out of it yet so Willie needs to get not only Alex through this but also himself through this so he can be there for Alex once Alex is through.

He bites his lip and drops to his knees and just talks. He talks about his phone call with Taylor last night and how her newest internship is working with a choreographer for a Broadway show, he talks about a new study he read on OCD and how it affects college students who procrastinate who have it, and then after maybe five or ten or fifteen minutes he switches to what he's been wanting to tell Alex but has been scared to. "I haven't told you yet but I'm going to Berkeley. I didn't want to tell you until I was sure, but… They have a _great_ psych program, and all the other schools I'm looking at… they're just… Sure, it'd be nice to be in New York with Taylor, but New York is so far, you know? Boston is great too, but… I don't know. I'd rather stay in California. Plus, I really don't want to deal with snow, you know? And I'd have the snow problem in Michigan too. And if I do decide to go to grad school, Berkeley has a psych program I can go to. Or I could go somewhere else, but I feel like I'd wanna stay where I was familiar with, you know? Maybe not though, maybe I'll hate it there and want to get out of there after four years. And who knows—" Willie looks down at Alex, who's shaking considerably less. "Hey, Alex. With me yet?" A nod. "Cool, that's great. Can I touch you?" A nod. "Great, cool." He reaches forward and cards his fingers through Alex's hair and starts massaging his scalp.

Alex's hands reach up and pull the AirPods from his ears. He reaches blindly in Willie's pocket for the case and puts them back. "Thank you," he mumbles around what sounds like a lump in his throat.

Willie leans in and presses a kiss to the back of Alex's head. "Yeah, of course," he says. He listens, now that he's closer, to Alex's shaky breaths and starts to count for Alex, one of the more common breathing exercises that he uses. Alex goes along with it, breath hitching every once in a while but Willie doesn't let that stop him. He just runs his fingers over Alex's head again and starts the count over. They do about twenty rounds of the exercise before Willie notices Alex's breathing is well and truly better and he sits back on his feet, away from Alex. He pulls his hand from Alex's hair and trails it down along Alex's jaw to his chin, using it to guide Alex's face up. His eyes are bloodshot, the skin around them is pink and puffy, and his bottom lip is swollen and bleeding from where he'd been biting into it. Willie traces his thumb across Alex's cheekbone. He scoots in closer, nudging Alex's knees apart so he can fit himself between Alex's legs. "Hey," he murmurs, then kisses Alex's temple. Alex releases a breath and it comes out steady, and Willie knows they're getting close.

"Thank you," Alex says again now that Willie's stopped counting, and it comes out stronger, surer.

"Yeah, dude," Willie says. "What do you need?"

"Just a minute. I'll be good in a minute."

Willie nods and lets his hand fall from Alex's jaw. "Take your time." Alex drops his head to hide it in Willie's chest and Willie moves his hand to rub soothingly up and down Alex's back.

He doesn't look at his phone and there are no other clocks around for him to look at so he's not sure how long it actually takes Alex to tap his arm, but he thinks it's somewhere around five minutes. He scoots back as soon as Alex signals he's good and watches as Alex pushes off the wall. Willie stands up first, and then reaches down a hand to help pull Alex, who is still slightly shaky, up. Once Alex is upright, he drops Willie's hand. Willie frowns over at him at the loss of contact, but he sees Alex brushing dirt off the back of his jeans and stops feeling confused.

"Did we park on Molino or Palmetto?" Willie asks as he reaches over to take Alex's hand in his once Alex has dusted his jeans off.

"Uh—Molino," Alex says. He squeezes Willie's hand. It was either a really gentle squeeze or Alex is feeling physical weakness after this attack too, because Willie barely feels it. "We don't have to go. I'm okay."

Willie looks at him and frowns. "You've gotta be exhausted, Alex."

"I'm—I'm a little tired, but we don't have to leave because of that."

He steps forward and puts his free hand on Alex's waist. "We don't have to if you don't want to," he says, trying to give Alex a choice, "but I was thinking we could stop and grab food somewhere and head back to my place and watch some Brooklyn 99."

Alex stares at him, and Willie sees the exhaustion in his features. The way his eyelids hang heavy over his irises, the furrow between his eyebrows, the droop to the corners of his lips. _Just say okay!_ Willie wants to yell, wants to shake Alex, wants to remind him that they're _WillieandAlex_ and they don't needlessly suffer through shit when they could just as easily be honest. And Willie knows the truth of the matter right now is that Alex needs rest. Even if there weren't physical symptoms written all over his face, the severity of his panic attack alone would have told Willie. But Alex has been having fewer and fewer panic attacks recently—it's gone from multiple a month to now only one or two every month or two. This has been great, but it means Alex has been feeling out new limitations. Thinking maybe he's okay to keep going after a panic attack, thinking maybe his anxiety attack won't develop into a full blown panic attack, thinking maybe he can get away without communicating something clearly. And Willie is proud of him, but… the last one really irks him. But he doesn't want to push Alex, doesn't want to make his decisions for him, so he has to stand back and simply suggest an alternative and just _hope_ that it sounds better to Alex than pushing himself too far.

"Alright," Alex murmurs. His shoulders drop and he looks defeated.

"Hey," Willie frowns. "What's wrong?"

Alex looks him in the eye and then turns away, watching people pass by them. He drops his head. "I was doing pretty well," Alex says. "I hadn't had one in, what, five weeks? And then this one comes and it's one of the worst I've had in… in a while."

Willie reaches up and taps Alex's chin, guiding him to look up. "Hey. This shit—it's not a linear timeline. It's ups and downs and it goes day by day. You've been doing _great_ —"

"Yeah, so I shouldn't—"

"No," Willie cuts him off. " _You've been doing great_. You _should_ be proud of that. Anxiety is a genuine, chemical illness. And you're taking medication for it to balance the chemicals, yes, but you've also been learning how to get through these things using your own willpower and that—that's incredible. Fuck, I barely have enough willpower to get up when my alarm goes off in the morning and you've got enough to go to war with your own brain. And _win_."

"I'd hardly call a panic attack in the Arts District a _victory_ ," Alex mutters.

"I would. Especially how well you're doing right now—babe, a stumble isn't a loss. It's just what it is—a stumble. But this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon, and when you're so far ahead in a marathon, a stumble barely even matters." He pauses and reconsiders. "Well, no. Of course—of _course_ it matters that you had a panic attack, because maybe we found a new trigger. Maybe you've been bottling too much up. Maybe there's something else we need to look at. But—what I'm trying to say is that just because you stumbled doesn't mean you lost, okay? You've been doing great, do you understand that?"

Alex averts his eyes and nods, small and unsure. Fucking great, isn't it? He just wants to grab Alex and shake him until the good thoughts get kicked up in his brain and all the bad thoughts settle at the bottom like sand in water. Still, no matter how insincere the nod was, it's more of an acceptance than Alex arguing, so Willie sighs and puts a hand on Alex's cheek and guides him to for a short kiss. He tries to say 'you're okay' and 'I love you' and 'fuck your anxiety' and 'we'll get through this together' all with a kiss that lasts no more than two or three seconds. He thinks he may have gotten at least parts of that through to Alex though because when Willie pulls away, Alex leans into him and presses his forehead to Willie's. "I love you," he murmurs.

Willie smiles and tilts his head forward to press one more quick kiss to Alex's chin. "Love you too."

They start back to the car and Alex squeezes his hand, a bit stronger than before. "Have you ever realized that all along the plan was for me to be a public figure?"

Willie presses his lips together. Well _he_ wasn't going to say anything but, "yeah, I did."

Alex shakes his head. "I… didn't even think about it that way until literally just now. But—I thought, _this happens to rock stars and celebrities, not people like me_ when I saw him. But the plan was— _is_ —for me to be a rock star. Yet, playing with the band has always just been playing with the band. I never really thought beyond that. What would happen if—when—we make it big."

"You'll still have them at your side though."

"Not always. I'd still run into people trying to take my picture like that guy did when I'd be on my own." He scratches the back of his neck. "But like, fuck my anxiety, right? Apparently it was always going to end up like this. The two things I want out of life were always going to end up with being in a spotlight." He hums and squeezes Willie's hand. "Thankfully the third thing I want in life is always there to help me through."

What the fuck, that's adorable. "That's cheesy, babe."

"Sometimes cheese is good," Alex says. He frowns. "No, cheese isn't good. Sometimes _cheesiness_ is good, because it gets my point across."

"Yeah? What's your point?"

"That I'm lucky that I get someone incredible in my life."

What the fuck. What the _fuck_.

Willie looks at the ground, curtaining his hair around his darkening skin. "Huh," he says. "Sounds like you should keep that guy around."

Alex laughs. "I plan on it."

Willie looks up and Alex is look at him, his face still colored pink but looking much better than before and Willie just—

_God_ , he's the lucky one.

They get to the car and start the drive back. They spend the drive to get their food debating what food they want and then what episodes of Brooklyn 99 they'll watch, until finally they pick up their burgers and shakes and start the drive back to Willie's.

"Hey, so uh—" Alex starts, and looks down at the bag of food in his lap. Willie glances over at him. Fuck, is he going to have to pull into a parking lot again? Why is Alex so insistent on talking about serious topics while Willie is driving? Willie doesn't have the capacity to talk about these things and drive at the same time. Like, thankfully they're only two minutes away from his house, but. Still. Can it not wait? "Berkeley."

Oh. Right.

"Berkeley."

Alex shifts the bag in his lap but it seems like he's just looking for something to do with his hands. "I don't think I really processed everything you said, but I got the gist that you were pretty set on going there?"

"Yeah," Willie says with a confident nod, because he's not going to be nervous about telling Alex about this. They're partners. They do this shit together, and even though this is Willie's choice to make, Alex has every right to know. "It's seeming like the best option for me, y'know? Great school, great psych program, great financial aid, it's in California, no snow to deal with…"

"Where else were you accepted?"

"Boston, Michigan, Carnegie Mellon, NYU, and UCLA."

"UCLA has a great psych program too, don't they?"

"Yeah, but I got better financial aid from Berkeley. And their programs are almost identical."

"And you're like, sure you want to go there?"

"I was going to tell you this week. I'm sending in my acceptance soon."

Alex hums. What the fuck does that mean? Is he happy? Is he upset? Is he processing? Does he want to say something? What the fuck is going on in Alex's head? Like, Willie may know Alex better than anyone else but there are still plenty of moments like _this_ where he wants to tear his fucking hair out because _what is going on?_

Willie turns on to his street, and there's silence in the car as they drive down the street and pull into his driveway. Once the car is in park, Alex asks, "did I tell you my grandma has started talking with Stanford admissions?"

No, he had _not_. "No," Willie says, but like. Chill. Because he is. Chill.

"We've started talking about schools with International Relations programs and Stanford is in the top five in the world and—and I kind of wanted to stay in California? I'm already going to have to adjust to Beasiga, I don't want to have to move to England or Massachusetts and adapt to those cultures as well. I mean I know college culture will be different, but Stanford will be more similar to LA than Oxford or Cambridge, you know?" Alex opens his door, grabs the bag of food and gets out. Willie hurries and takes the keys out of the ignition, grabs the shakes, and follows him out of the car to the front door. Why the fuck did he stop talking there? Willie has so many more questions, what the fuck.

"So you're looking at Stanford, Harvard, and Oxford?" Willie asks, handing Alex the shakes so he can unlock the front door.

"I'm… pretty much only looking at Stanford," he says as Willie pushes the door open. They step inside and close the door behind them. "Which is why my grandma started talking to them so early. Since, like, I don't have the work or volunteer or extracurricular experience that a lot of other applicants will have, but I'll have experience actually working _with_ diplomats. So far it seems like as long as I keep my GPA up where it's at and take AP chem, gov, and lit next year, they're willing to accept me."

"How long have you been talking about this?" Willie asks, shrugging his jacket off and toeing his shoes from his feet. He takes the food and drinks from Alex so he can do the same.

"January?"

Well, fuck. "… You didn't mention it."

"I didn't want to sway your decision," Alex says. "Like, I didn't want you to choose Berkeley because of me."

Well, fuck again. "Oh."

"I'm sorry."

Willie shakes his head. "No. No. _No_ ," he says, because. _No_. That's. "That's—I appreciate it. I don't know one way or the other if I would have chosen Berkeley because of you if I had known that, so I appreciate you not telling me."

Alex smiles, soft and relieved and Willie just—loves him. Is fucking gone on him. God, god, _god_. He opens his mouth—

The moment is broken before Willie can do or say anything. "You guys are back early," his mom says, entering the living room with a quirked eyebrow. "Was the art not artsy enough for you?"

Willie reluctantly tears his eyes away from Alex and turns towards his mom. "We just got bored—"

"—code for I had a panic attack," Alex cuts in. Willie looks over his shoulder and bites down on his lip to keep from smiling, because like. It'd be weird to smile at that. But he's proud, okay? Another thing that's come out of Alex having few panic attacks is that he's less ashamed of them. He's more open about them. He's more trusting of the people around him. And, Willie gets that. And it's also that Alex loves Willie's parents. They're what Alex wishes his parents were. He's learning to trust them more and more and as time goes on he's letting things like this slip—letting them know when he's uncomfortable, letting them know when he's having a bad day, letting them know what he needs. It's something Willie is so fucking proud of and has loved getting to witness.

His mom's shoulders soften. "Oh, hun. Do you need anything?"

"Oh, no," Alex shakes his head. "I think me and Willie were just gonna eat and watch a show."

"Of course," she says. "If you need anything just let me know, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Thanks, Mom," Willie says.

She nods at them and then retreats back to where she came from, and Willie motions for Alex to follow him down the hall. They reach his room and Willie makes a beeline to his desk to set the shakes and food down, and Alex follows, shutting the door behind him. Willie leans against his desk and watches as Alex moves to sit on Willie's bed—so at home in this room in a way that makes Willie's heart fucking burst. He pushes off his desk and walks over to Alex, whose knees immediately part to give Willie a space to step into. Like this, Willie is several inches taller than Alex, and as he stares down at him, he notes how _small_ Alex looks from this angle, made even more exaggerated by his physical exhaustion. Willie leans down and kisses Alex. "Thank you," he says.

Alex laughs, soft and light. "For what? Shouldn't I be thanking you?"

"For Berkeley," Willie says, and then kisses Alex again, longer. When he pulls away he reaches up and trails his fingers over Alex's cheek. "I appreciate you letting me make my own decision because I… I think I would have chosen it for you and I'd never know if I would have chosen it for _me_."

"I didn't want that," Alex whispers. "I wanted you to go where you wanted to go."

"And you didn't think I'd want to go where you were?"

"That—I knew you would. Because I knew _I_ would. And I can't say if you had chosen Boston that I might not have chosen Harvard instead. But… but you chose Beasiga for me. I didn't want you to choose Berkeley for me."

"I chose Beasiga for me," Willie murmurs, leaning down to kiss him again. "I chose Beasiga because you're there, skateboarding is there, dance is there, my parents and sisters can visit, I can make a difference in the world, I can have a career, and you know the band is serious when they talk about moving there, right? So my friends are there, too. Louisa, too, I guess." Alex tilts his head back and laughs and Willie takes the opportunity to lean down to press a kiss to his exposed throat. "I chose Beasiga because it will make me happy."

"And you chose Berkeley because it will make you happy," Alex says, still smiling.

"Yes. Well, I mostly chose it because they gave me good financial aid and they're in California but—"

Alex cuts him off with a kiss, but it's not much of a kiss because Alex is smiling too wide. "But those things make you happy," he says when he pulls away.

"They do," Willie says. "And you do, too."

"That's cheesy, babe," Alex mumbles, quoting Willie's earlier words, though his face goes red.

"What'd you say though? Cheesiness gets the point across?"

"Don't use my words against me."

Willie hums. "Don't use mine against me. How're you feeling, speaking of earlier?"

Alex blinks at the sudden topic change. "Tired, but okay. I think it was the right call to get out of there." _Told you so_. "Thank you for that little manipulation."

"Wh _at?_ What manipulation?"

Alex laughs. He reaches his arm up, up, up until he's able to tuck a lock of Willie's hair behind his ear. Alex smiles. "Thank you. I love you, you know?"

Willie smiles and reaches his hands to cup Alex's face. "I love you, my Prince."

"Oh, shut up," Alex whispers, like he does every time Willie calls him Prince, then presses up to connect their lips once more.

By the time they make it to their meals, their burgers are cold and their shakes are half melted.

**Author's Note:**

> Julie shows them the pictures the next day bc she has Alex’s name on a Google Alert. It’s just a dumb piece about him being out and about with his boyfriend and how he’ll be the first openly gay ruler and shit like that. Shockingly, that actually makes future encounters with paparazzi easier because it shows Alex that it isn’t the end of the world. It is still v uncomfortable though, so he always tries to remove himself from the situation. Thankfully it doesn’t happen that often since a) Beasiga isn't a huge country so not as many people care about it, b) Beasiga is relatively dramaless so there's nothing ever going on Beasiga-wise, and c) _Alex_ is dramaless so there's nothing ever going on Alex-wise. It does pick up around when JATP does something. Like when they have a bigger gig-- when they play the Orpheum there's an entire hoard of paparazzi waiting outside the Orpheum and in the following days he's photographed more-- or when they finally sign a record deal-- they sign the fall of Alex's sophomore year of college, after his lawyers spent the summer going back and forth with Destiny Management's lawyers on their contracts. In the end it benefited the entire band, but it secured Alex's place in the band even though he wouldn't be touring with them-- or after their first album release-- they release their first album November his junior year because the plan is for Julie, Luke, and Reggie to go on their first tour that summer as an opener. Every time JATP does something Alex ends up in the tabloids as 'the Prince Who Can Rock' and he's honestly really tired of that title. 
> 
> So, I didn’t want to just sit there and like… describe Alex shaking and hyperventilating? So I didn’t really talk too much about him, more about Willie. And Willie may not have anxiety and he may know how to handle Alex’s panic attacks and he may have handled dozens of them before, but panic attacks are terrifying to watch and it’s even worse when it’s someone you love. So Willie does get anxious and he does get scared, even if he knows everything will be okay soon. He’s much calmer AFTER Alex is through the attack even though he’s still massively concerned, he’s just not… _scared_ anymore because the danger is gone. If you’ve ever seen someone have a panic attack you probably understand this. 
> 
> Anyways, about 3500 words of this is the panic attack/aftermath, and then I also included the college discussion because it just… it just came out. I swear I had no intention of including it, it just happened. But I feel like it came out… decently? I think Alex would be v reluctant to influence this type of decision but once he heard that Willie was going there he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from blurting out that he was going to Stanford bc holy shit!! 
> 
> Coming up on **3/9** : ~~domestic shit 
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [sunsetcurbed](https://sunsetcurbed.tumblr.com).
> 
> Hey, friends! As mentioned in the beginning notes, please note: I’m in a depressive episode so if I a) take a little longer to reply to your comments or b) reply to your comments with a lil less enthusiasm than normal it doesn’t mean I don’t love or appreciate you!! I’m going to try and wait until I’m on the upswing to reply to comments but bipolar is a bitch, so who knows when that will be. :) Not me. :) Some days are better than others so I’ll try and respond on a better day. Who knows, maybe comments will help and make me feel better bc ~~serotonin. But! I just don’t want y’all to think I’ve stopped responding to comments. I still 100% plan to. <3


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